My dirty little secrets. Battling BDD & Anxiety. Official COMING OUT blog.

Warning! This post will be terribly long. I want to call it my "COMING OUT" blog. You will find out the disorders I've been suffering from and dealing with for awhile. Think my life is all peachy from what you perceive in my pictures? Not everything is as it seems.... seriously.

BDD, short for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, is a mental illness that is characterized by an excessive preoccupation with either a real or imagined defect, which can be either physical or minor, that others cannot see. Many people who suffer from BDD have an exaggerated or distorted view of their appearance, and are obsessed with even the most minor flaws in their skin. It can be a certain facial structure, the texture or color of their skin, and even their weight or how their hair looks. Other people usually cannot notice what those of BDD believe is wrong with them, because the appearance issue that person is obsessing about is usually very small. This disorder has also known to be called "imagined ugliness", but because since the concerns of these people are very real, it can magnify the tiniest imperfection they are stressing about.

This disorder is very personal to me.
Want to know a little secret?
I've been battling BDD since I was 14 years old.

I believe this disorder was cultivated through the pressure and influence of not only the media and society, but my family and culture as well. Do you know how difficult it is to attend family parties and the first thing your aunts say to you is "Whoa, you're getting fat", or "Look at your butt - it's getting too big". Kind of funny when you get insults from your peers stating that you have a flat ass - yet you're family members tell you the opposite. The pressure of growing up within an asian household, or Filipino in particular, can be quite overwhelming at times for a developing teen.

Living with BDD has affected my relationships, friendships and social preferences. I cannot count the amount of friend's I've lost because I refuse to associate myself in large numbers of people, or even only one person aka social anxiety/agoraphobia or even social phobia. I remember as a teenager, at times I would feel so ugly about myself that I try to avoid going out and letting myself be seen.  I would hide under my bangs and walk around with my hand on half of my face. I hated having my pictures taken. I wore a lot of layers to hide the excess skin on my stomach. I would constantly complain about the shape of my body, and make serious considerations of undergoing cosmetic surgery to alter my image. I have had experiences where I faced playful ridicule, but it hurt me so much that I stayed away from those groups of people who found amusement in that humor.
I'll always remember staring into the car passenger mirror and trying to force myself to accept what was reflected back at me. I used to carry CD's because they were more discreet that pocket mirrors. I would pretend to be checking if it had scratches on the back of the CD but in reality, I was actually using it as a mirror. I constantly checked if my lips looked ok, if there was anything in my teeth, if my eyes had bags, how dark the bags were, I was constantly checking on my hair and fixing it non-stop. It turned into an obsessive thing, until it got to the point where I knew I would never look any different, and I'd turn the mirrors around. It got to the point where I just completely avoided mirrors because I was so dissatisfied with what I saw in it. I hated myself. I hated myself for being ugly.

People may look at those who suffer from BDD to be fishing for compliments or looking for attention, but it is clearly the opposite. In reality, victims of BDD are so sensitive to playful ridicule that they literally have no social life. They believe they are so ugly that they refuse to go out in public because they are so dissatisfied with their appearance. I've become a victim of this disorder and suffered its crucial symptoms for many years.

Now although there are many factors regarding BDD, the actual cause is unclear. This is because BDD is a somatoform disorder, which is a condition that includes physical pain and symptoms relating to psychological factors. Symptoms like these can't be traced to a specific physical cause because the medical test results for those of a somatoform disorder usually end up normal or do not explain why they have these symptoms. One possible cause of BDD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This usually occurs in depression, those who are bi-polar, and schizophrenia. It is also hereditary. Obsessive compulsive order plays a big role in the leading factors of BDD because a person practices rituals that can preoccupy so much of their time, it's uncontrollable. Since those with BDD usually worry about their body or weight, an eating disorder is a probable cause as well. Generalized anxiety disorder is another assumption because this condition involves worrying that is so excessive; it disrupts your life and causes anxiety. Having this disorder makes you more susceptible to BDD. Even simple things such as physiological, behavioral, or cultural factors play a role in causes towards BDD. It is because the victims feel that they have to live up to a family standard or social standard or a high expectation regarding personal appearance of success that seems unrealistic or unobtainable.

Want to know another secret?
I was recently clinically diagnosed with anxiety at the beginning of this year. 

Now I want to make it clear that I've been struggling to overcome BDD for many years, and am finally at the point where I can say that I'm content with my progress. BDD only does half, if not a quarter of the damage it did when I was a teenager.. BUT it did leave it's imprint on me in which I am currently dealing with now.

The forms of anxiety that I have are agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder.
Anxiety has caused a disability in my life. I know some of you may find that term a bit extreme to describe it but those who currently suffer from these conditions will agree that it is an on-going battle to deal with life. I've considered even getting a service dog to help me deal with the situations that are difficult for me to face on my own.

Agoraphobia has been the one form of anxiety that is the most challenging to deal with. It affects my everyday life and relationships with other people. I believe that my agoraphobia was triggered by my BDD apart from my anxiety. For those who are unfamiliar with agoraphobia:

"Agoraphobia is characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives certain environments as dangerous or uncomfortable, often due to the environment's vast openness or crowdedness. These situations include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, as well as uncontrollable social situations. It is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances). Agoraphobia is often, but not always, compounded by a fear of social embarrassment, as the agoraphobic fears the onset of a panic attack and appearing distraught in public." - Wikipedia

This condition in particular has affected me in ways I wish it never did; work, relationships, friendships, etc. If only you guys understood the mental preparation I have to put myself through before I agree to meeting up with a friend for coffee or meeting with a possible client (photographer). I began to disassociate myself with people, even old friends. I don't pick up my phone, I stopped replying to text messages. I barely travel anywhere aside from work or to grab a bite to eat. Anxiety has practically ruined my life. It became a struggle to wake up in the morning knowing that I have to talk to someone new later on that day.

Now I don't want this to drag. I primarily wrote this post in particular to inform and educate you all about these life changing disorders. So let's wrap it up.

I didn't know I had anxiety until I went to see a doctor because I had been having trouble breathing at night. I would hyperventilate and it would difficult for me to sleep because it felt like I was choking. I felt like I wasn't getting enough air in my lungs. My chest felt tight. It felt like I was having a heart attack, and sometimes like I was dying. Little did I know... I actually suffering from constant anxiety /panic attacks! My doctor ran breathing tests, asthma tests, even blood tests to check my thyroid.. which all concluded as negative. It was clear that I was dealing with anxiety and didn't even realize it. Another main symptom of anxiety is insomnia. I had suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember and always thought it was because my sleeping schedule just sucked. I also always felt tired, no matter how much sleep I got. I was fatigued practically 24/7 - another symptom of anxiety.  Everything began making sense from then on. If I do not take my prescribed sleeping pills, I'll fall asleep around 9AM.

So to make this long story short, I had been clinically diagnosed with these anxiety disorders. I am currently on two forms of medication to help me get by the day but they can only do so much. It is a struggle I continue to deal with and can only overcome with a "change of lifestyle" as my doctor says. But there is just simply too much stress for me to deal with in order for me to do so. I'll need a vacation -- a long one, and some good white wine. As far as BDD, those who suffer from it experience much shame and embarrassment. I hope now that you are all slightly more educated about the disorder, will be more sensitive to other people's feelings. You have no clue what they are going through in their life. You may not take them seriously because their preoccupation with their image makes it seem like their just a typical person with self conscious or self esteem issues. What you don't realize is that people who suffer from BDD face extreme struggles to accept self-love. The constant fights in the mirror of what is reflected back never ends. You eventually get so tired of trying to change who you are or what you see, that even suicide becomes an option. Constant reassurances from loved ones sometimes aren't enough. Body dysmorphic disorder is a real disease that many people suffer from. It causes anxiety and other problems that are dangerous to ones health, but sometimes drugs or other forms of therapy aren't enough to help those who are affected from these illnesses.

Man. Well, that was exhausting.
If you've read down this far, I want to thank you for taking the time to do so. You don't know how much it means to me :)

BTW, I'm loving the emails I've been getting from my followers!
If any of you have any questions, you can always leave a comment on my post or talk to me directly at chasingkellydirect@gmail.com