and I'm still..

Today was one of the most liberating days I think I could ever experience as woman.  A woman who has been fighting her reflection everyday, confined to a body full of scars and skin that has caused so much insecurity and struggle since the mere age of 14. If only you knew what it was like to live in my skin. And as shallow as that sounds because yes, "someone has it worse than you do", everyone fights their own battles, mine have always overcome me.. I've always lost. I've always been "not skinny enough" or "not tall enough" or "you're not fat.... you aren't skinny either" "your stretchmarks aren't that bad, just rub cocoa butter!" Those reoccurring statements have always hit close to home. They may not mean much to you, but they do to me and the many women who have had to deal with the pressure of the media to obtain a certain look or standard of beauty to become accepted in our society. Beauty has lost its true meaning and has now become a conformity. Since when do we have to 'conform' to beauty? Since when did beauty lose its image? I think we've just been so screwed up from what's been portrayed to us as 'accepted' or 'beautiful', that we forgot to appreciate beauty in all it's essence and purity. We no longer take beauty as it comes, only for what it can offer. Well I aspire to change this false perception of beauty -- the size "0" and the flawless skin. I aspire to redefine beauty and prove to the world that women like me can be beautiful too. My dress size can range anywhere from a 4-6, I wear a 27 in jeans, I have stretchmarks and my skin is loose from my pregnancy, my shirt size varies per brand, style, cut off, color...  and you know what? That's OKAY. Waking up this morning and going to bed tonight have ended in such drastic measures. I woke up scared, hesitant, doubtful of my first official photo shoot. As soon as I walked on set and stood behind those lights and camera, I had to remind myself that I am beautiful, and someone will appreciate me for this. Behind that lens and being on set, my insecurities suddenly left. It was if I channeled in a different person. The person I've been chasing for so long. The person I've wanted to be, wanted to look like, wanted to be accepted as. That  person was confident.. fearless.. beautiful. But later on after all the outfits were gone and the set was finish, I walked out the studio and went home eager to take off the hair and makeup. Washing my face and the mask that I put on to conceal all my flaws and imperfections were once reflecting back to me. The battle ensues. Nights over..... and I'm still chasing Kelly.